Priya's Blog

Why Are We Attracted To The Wrong People

Amongst my craziness, legs, hair, marketing abilities, social media love; I am notoriously unlucky in love. FACT.

I also attract/am attracted to the completely wrong men. Proven by the fact that this evening in the gym I spotted this slightly larger dude whom I have seen determined to lose a great deal of weight. And this attracts me to him. Strange I know. Why I don’t know? Mandeep on twitter says I’m probably attracted to his cuddle factor and I do love a good cuddle. Who knows if he is a good person or not?

So this got me thinking. Why are many of us always attracted to the wrong person?

This is a factor that defies the sexes. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, y ou can always be attracted to the person who isn’t ready for a relationship, who you like more than they like you, who has been hurt from a previous relationship or just wanted a fling.

Yet we still, time after time, go back to these people. I am going to stick with the male gender for the purpose of this blog post but like I said isn’t based on a particular gender. Some women will continuously go back to the same guys even though they know nothing will ever happen. Even though whilst you have known them they have girlfriends and when they are done with them come back to you. Yes we have been there done that have the wet t-shirt. As hard as we can’t stop ourselves. We WILL go back to these men. Not because we believe in fairytales and that everything will be fine, the guy will fall in love with us and then we will ride into the sunset. No, most of us accept that we will never be in a relationship…or….married to these people yet there is something that draws us to them. This is usually lust in my experience. There is someone that I am drawn to I don’t love him yet I don’t know if it is just lust?

The only way, in my experience, to keep away from them would be that someone who I loved/lusted after more came along and it was reciprocated. Chances of that happening are slim to none though so I guess it is the lust factor I shall be riding on for the current time.

I took to the social media forums Facebook and Twitter to get your thought on why we are attracted to the wrong people

Amrita:

For me, being attracted to the wrong person is pretty regular. Personally, I’m always looking at the bigger picture and things such as religion, location, always seem to get in the way. I get attracted to a personality very easily and whether they are physically attractive is a bonus (or not). You know how it is, forbidden fruit and all… maybe it’s just human genetics to be attracted to those who aren’t good for you.

Kirsty: We are always thrill Seeking

Nazma – we love a good challenge

Jyoti – Your wrong type is someone else’s right type. That’s the problem. You have to sift through the wrong ones to get to the right one and sometimes you end up hanging onto the wrong one in the vain hope he’ll be right so you can stop the search.

Amn Kaur – When do we grow out of this ‘mismatched magnetism’ and realise who is right for us? (as in stop being drawn to the wrong uns!’) x

 Imran

Do you think we are attracted to the wrong people or are we too fussy trying to find people our social circle would find acceptable? I think we spend so long trying to find perfect that we forget our own imperfections. Life is all about compromise. Even in relationships it’s all about give and take. Psychologically we are duped into believing that the special someone will be handsome/ beautiful and ideally we would like to be the envy of our friends. But in reality that seldom happens. As long as people are attracted mentally/ intellectually, nothing Else really matters.

General consensus was that we all want what we can’t have. I think that could be said for many aspects of our life. Jobs, partners, friends, material objects etc. Now I am never content with what I have and am always (and I’m not proud when I say this) but jealous. I am jealous when people have a fantastic life; they are married to the person that is perfect for them, have a wonderful job, lots of money. Sometimes I portray a negative persona and I do that not on purpose but because I always want more and nothing is ever good enough. Is that just human nature though? Why do we do this? Is it jealousy? Or is it because we want to be content? And we are jealous of that? We are attracted to people who are completely wrong for us; maybe because we can’t have them and we know that but because there is nothing for us to be content with so we still strive to gain those people in our lives in one way or another. There is a thrill in the chase but once you have them maybe they aren’t enough and then you find yourself straying. But what if that perfect person is in front of you and 1) they can’t see you are perfect for them 2) you can’t see they are perfect for you or 3) you are so busy searching for something completely wrong for you that you don’t see what is in front of your eyes?

Whatever option this may be the way I see it some of us are happy homebodies enthralled in their daily lives wanting for no more yet some of us want to be out there, searching, thriving and screaming to the universe for more. Maybe we are the people who will never amount to anything in certain areas of our lives because we want it so much but if this is the case then why? We will see something, want it and then if we can’t have it then we will want it more, harder and with more of a passion. Maybe that is why we are attracted to the wrong people. Because we can’t have them?

Then what about being attracted to people that are, as some people would say ‘badboys’. When you’re younger the bad boy at school is extremely attractive. The one that smokes, has girls flocking around him and bunks off school all the time. In your early 20’s the guy who you think may have taken drugs but with his rugged look, motorbike, rough beard and smouldering eyes mesmerises you. Maybe when you hit 30 you realise it’s not all about image and that if you are (unfortunately) still single then you go with someone who from the outset may not be what you are ‘looking for’ but in the long run of your lifetime isn’t going to go to prison for doing drugs or get arrested for being part of a robbery. It’s the same with guys. The petite, slim yet clever girls always get picked first by the boys as their potential future partners. Which leaves us curvier girls with bad skin and not so perfect vision as the go to girls once you have hit 30 and realise that ok so ‘I aint getting any younger and I don’t wanna be having kids at 40’ – although that is probably not a major factor for men as they can just go and pick up some 24 year old at a gym if they still look good. But they do realise that they aren’t getting any younger and can’t just pick up anyone and start being less fussy. Let me give you an example. Man and woman who are, for arguments sake both aged 32, have known each other since they are 20. Always been a bit of sexual tension between them but nothing has ever happen one has secretly really likes the other but the one of them has always had many other girl/boyfriends or ‘it hasn’t been the right time’ or that he/she just doesn’t feel that way. They both hit 34 and for various reasons are still single. Man begins to realise that ok this woman aint so bad maybe he should give her a chance? But now that the man is giving himself to her does she give in just because she doesn’t have anyone else or does she wait for prince charming. He is saying he likes her? What does she do? Chances are she will say yeah “let’s get married and have babies” because she doesn’t have anyone else and she is willing to settle and the guy will always think ahh yeah i’ve known her 14 years she will do, but will he go and have an affair or will he fall deeply in love? Who knows? I haven’t been there. But all I know is we will always want more and if you have ‘settled’ for second best them you may be likely to stray? It’s a question not a statement. Bridget didn’t realise she wanted Darcy till right at the end.

Let me finish with the words of Adele “who wants to be right as rain, its better when something is wrong” x

Priya Mulji

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11 thoughts on “Why Are We Attracted To The Wrong People

  1. I like Jyoti’s comment “Your wrong type is someone else’s right type” – I’m a bit of an optimist :)

  2. Its tough out there, but I don’t think you should just get together with someone cos time is ticking or parental pressures. You have to love that person fully or otherwise the relationship is doomed to fail

  3. haha what i cant believe i missed this status, well my thoughts are – One is definitely attracted to another who either doesnt like you as much as you like them.. or is with someone body else.Funny how the world works. There are those who fall in to relationships without really going out of their way to meet people..and you get those who, spend years trying to find the ‘right’ person. I dont even think, they are that fussy. Others think they are fussy because they are not yet with someone. Ive met people who are lovely, but just not for me… once upon a time i used to think i should be lucky someone likes me lol.yes its true! Someone has made me open my eyes and realise, i cant just settle for the next guy that comes along because i have noone else. Then comes the classic dilemma, do you look? do you wait? where do you meet someone? and the million pound question… when?

    People at work talk about their relationships and as their lives and plans revolve around this.. and I think for one to have not met someone thats ‘right’ for her yet, its not jealously its.. hey I want something like that!

    Im 24, and for some reason i keep getting told hey i dont think u will get hitchd until after 30 because you are really independent and you like your life the way you want to live it. I do wonder why!

    Priya. Your questions are spot on. Let me know when you get the answers lol

  4. For me, being attracted to the wrong person was pretty regular, till I took a moment to search deeper into my soul, seeing my reflection- to find the woman’s voice within-she whispered with a still voice-you deserve better in life-and I have taken this advice very wisely.

  5. I think it comes down to habit and lifestyle. If you are used to long term serious relationships than thats all you know and you continue on that path (without dating and finding out what you want), but if you’re used to flings then that’s all you know and you continue that pattern (without serious lg relationship). Its hard to break the habit even when you may have changed your mind about what you want… I guess it takes a conscious effort to make the change.

    Thanks for the post P!

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  7. Oh oh oh oh ohhhhhh!!! This is exactly what i say to my friends, never ever settle for second best. why should you have to settle – you will only realise you are making do, unless u can convince urself really well that ur not. Also, ur last line is fab abut bridget and darcy BECAUSE i have just finished reading a book which references this throughout the book so you MUST read it – Notting Hill with…Love Actually. Please go buy it, ul love!!

  8. It’s true though hun.
    Women as well as Men get more of a thrill and excitement out of being with someone whose more of a “Challenge”
    So for Men it would be decent women who aren’t ‘loose’ and For women its something along the lines of a “bad boy” (not always!)

    We just love the thrill, but we complain that there aren’t any decent men out there. Truth is good men DO exist, we just see them as FRIENDS because there’s no excitement!

    Great post Priya! x

  9. Yes, good men are there, but ultimately it takes commitment to start and stay in a serious relationship. I don’t think, it just happens. You have to have your mind set on it.
    I see so many single people dating, dating, dating and for some reason, they always give the same excuse – she/he wasn’t what I was looking for.
    Yet something attracted you to that person in the beginning. It seems that once these people get past the initial get to know you and going out phase, they panic and pull away. They are not ready or willing to take a step further. I understand, who wants to put their heart on the line or make promises you may not be able to keep. But if you don’t risk, you don’t gain anything in life. And it goes for relationships also. Nobody is perfect, you are not perfect either. I am not saying you should settle for a douche-bag/bcrazy bitch, but most people do not fall into this category. In fact, if you only meet the “wrong” people, there must me something you are doing wrong. There is a reason, why these wrong people are sent on our path, we are suppose to learn from it and move on. To find somebody who would be willing to love us just as we are and whom we can love just as they are, that is a gift. Bridget Jones couldn’t stand some traits in Darcy and vice versa, yet they loved each other. And decided to give it a shot.
    Too much rationalizing isn’t good for love. You have to go with the flow.
    We meet people so they can teach us something ( stay away from the bad boys ) about ourselves and we meet people who complement us.
    Going around thinking that I deserve to find this ideal person for me who makes me happy, is not a very productive attitude.
    I personally would not want to meet a person who would be so accomplished and perfect that I feel I have nothing to teach them. People should want to grow together. That is why single people are kind of shallow cause their world revolves only around themselves. The longer they are single the more self-centered they become. They only think from their own perspective. What I want, what I need. Relationships don’t work this way.

  10. Loving the comments, and the article above – I came across this site by pure accident as I was looking to get in touch with the AsianD8 team and to email them. Then I recognised Pri and continued to read the blog and the articles in the site.

    So on the subject of opposites attracting – I guess they always have – I mean you’re attracted to someone from the outset right? You like the way they look and you keep your fingers secretly crossed that they tick a few boxes… i mean generic boxes, I mean your personalities match, you like the look of each other, a normal accent and temperate.

    I guess we’ve always been attracted to people who we’d like to think we get on with without actually knowing if we’ll get on with them.

    People are often astounded that I don’t go up to girls in bars or nightclubs etc or approach them – to the extent that i’m on a dance floor and my mates are literally shouting till their blue in the face and trying to tell me that a girl has got my attention.

    I don’t know – maybe i’m deemed unapproachable, I think i’m decent looking enough but herein lies the problem with Dating Sites and maybe this comment is better suited to the dating article you wrote Pri but the crux of it is – we like the look of someone on their profile, we like their interests and some of them match ours – I mean everyone loves socialising, listening to music, reading and films right? We just don’t know what a person is going to be like until we start talking to them – the world of dating is a minefield at the best of times.

    This WordPress thing is pretty cool, I think i’m going to start writing a blog too : )

    Thanks for the inspiration

  11. I think some of your comments hit the nail on the head…people just “settling” because they feel time is ticking. I think a lot of women find themselves in this position because they’re attracting what they project, or they don’t realize what they’re projecting. This guy gives good tips on that:
    http://blogs.davelozinski.com/datingandrelationships/tips-for-attracting-quality-men-online-part01
    Stay classy ladies because in the end, that’s what most men want, and you’ll find “him” eventually.

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